|Photo by: Matt Anderson (Illustration)|
Look at that. There he is, standing there with a drink in his hand and a smug smirk plastered on his face like he’s a gift from God. You know what you want to do right now? You want to introduce him to the twin ambassadors of pain, your fists of fury. You know what would make it even better? If a howling, pissed off, put-you-in-a-full-body-cast angry song would spontaneously start playing, providing that boost of confidence you need to knock him around a little.
Well, I can’t promise that this is going to happen. I’m sure if you tried, you could hatch an elaborate scheme to make it so, but for now, here are ten songs to get you through this tough time.
1. “Passing the Hat” by Cold War Kids
This is a track for the intellectual fighter. Perhaps you’re the kind of person who prefers verbal spars as opposed to throwing your right hook immediately. Well, maybe you’ll work up to it.
2. “Gouge Away” by Pixies
Oh yeah, you’re going to take your sweet time building up to this one. Give yourself exactly 38 seconds to walk toward the enemy with a menacing glare before BAM! A crescendo in the music and the first punch has been thrown.
3. “Wish” by Nine Inch Nails
This isn’t a song for a fight. This is a song for a battle. With this one, you mean business. There will be no sucker punches here. No, no. This one will be a proper fight that will verge on being an all-out bar brawl.
4. “Shame and Fortune” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Let’s play a game: Who can hit the hardest? For bonus points, who can think of the best on the spot one-liners? If there’s a tie, who didn’t stop smiling despite having just lost a tooth?
5. “Dropkick the Punks” by The Faint
There’s a break between bands at the concert you’re at, you’re feeling anxious, and you’ve maybe had a beer or five. And that guy? The one that keeps yelling and running into you? He’s just asking to get into a fight.
6. “Somebody Hates You” by Snake River Conspiracy
Look around you: This place is a mess, these girls are trashy and there is one in particular who has been paying special attention to your boyfriend. Why don’t you introduce yourself? When you’re done, make sure she understands his current relationship status without having to consult Facebook.
7. “M.E.X.I.C.O.C.U.” by The Kills
You have a minute and a half to get out all of your aggression. Do so wisely and hey, have some fun while you're at it!
8. “I Think I Smell a Rat” by The White Stripes
Disloyal friend? Cheating significant other? Let them know you’re not okay with their treacherous ways in whatever way you see fit. Try having this showdown in a saloon – it seems fitting, yes?
9. “Juicebox” by The Strokes
You are a comic book character getting ready to take down your greatest enemy. Take special notes of the sound bubbles and the readying of special powers. Don’t worry, your team will show up just in the nick of time in case stuff gets really crazy.
10. “Hash Pipe” by Weezer
Everyone stand back. Photo-J kids, get those cameras out because this is going to be momentous. Circle your foe like prey before going in for the kill. When you smile for your picture afterward (mug shot or front page story, we’ll see), smile big and don’t bother wiping the blood off of those teeth – it will really give it that extra something.
I’m not condoning violence in any way. Imagine all you like, write about it in your journal, whatever you please. But really? Let’s not fight. It’s just unpleasant.
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