|Photo by: Katie O'Leary (illustration)|
(Author’s note: I do not condone stalking in any way. Although the methods illustrated in this article may appear alarmingly well thought out, I assure you that I do not do this for a living. In short, stalking is bad, ‘mkay?)
There you are, twirling your hair and dreamily scribbling girlish fantasies into your well-worn journal, when you hear the soft, familiar thud of a car door. You perk up, abandon your ramblings mid-thought, and rush to the window.
And there he is.
It’s your ridiculously attractive neighbor with some hunky name like Chad or Brad or Aaron. He’s wearing that outfit that looks especially nice on him, and his hair is gelled in the most perfectly messy way. He lights a cigarette and your little heart flutters in wild delight. He is such a bad boy.
The only problem? He doesn’t even know you exist.
So you can only watch helplessly as he strides into his house and out of your line of vision. You sigh and turn away from the empty view of his driveway. But, at that moment, a thought occurs to you. You’ve been admiring this boy from the safety of your bedroom for far too long. The time has come for a plan of action. And a wicked soundtrack.
You smile to yourself and think, “He will be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.”
1.“(So I’ll Sit Here) Waiting” by The Like
Your initial feelings are innocent enough, and so are your feeble attempts at initial contact. You decide to start small with periodic trips to the mailbox, smiling sheepishly across the lawn. Prince Charming is lounging on the front porch with some edgy magazine. So you wait for a few agonizing seconds, silently pleading, “notice me.” He glances up. Your smile is frozen as his eyes rest on yours for a moment, then dart back to the page. The excitement is too much. You won’t sleep tonight.
2.“Andy, You’re A Star” by The Killers
It’s Friday night at Typical High School and you’re sitting in the stands with a small group of friends anxiously searching the field for your star quarterback. (Of course he’s a football player. He’s perfect. Remember?) You spot him and follow his every move, marveling at his stereotypical masculinity. Before the game ends, you find your way to the locker room and nonchalantly slip a piece of paper with your digits on it into his belongings. Phase Two is complete.
3.“Michael” by Franz Ferdinand
Saturday rolls around and your phone rings. It’s him and you can barely hide the explosion of ecstasy reverberating inside your chest as you exchange awkward small talk. He mentions a party happening that night and you invite yourself along. You watch him get drunk and dance like an idiot, but he can do no wrong by you. In your eyes, he is a “beautiful dance whore.” So you dance with him, not realizing that he won’t remember anything about you the next day.
4.“Obsession” by Innerpartysystem
This is slowly becoming more than a crush for you. Unfortunately, Dream Boy is oblivious to your intensely creepy advances. But you are convinced that he is developing feelings for you. You bat your eyelashes at him and become aware of every pose you make in his presence. He seems amused, if anything. So what do you have to do to make him fall in love with you?
5.“#1 Crush” by Garbage
Enough of these silly games. You have to profess your undying love to him. That’s something he definitely can’t ignore, right? So you doll yourself up and knock on his door, slipping past him as he mutters something like, “Thanks, but no thanks.” You sit him on the couch, gaze deeply into his eyes, and immediately delve into your psychotic Shakespearean proclamation (which had been well-rehearsed the previous day). You feel accomplished even with the blank stare he gives you as you walk away.
6.“Sour Times” by Portishead
Despite your slow descent into madness, you feel pretty good about life. You’ve officially made it clear to your unwilling beau that you are madly in love with him. He hasn’t said a word to you since your unexpected visit, but you just attribute that to his obvious struggle to vocalize his own feelings. He just seems so sensitive about that kind of stuff. But you know the truth: nobody loves you like he does.
7.“Snow White Queen” by Evanescence
Let’s shift points of view for a second. You are now the increasingly paranoid, yet still attractive neighbor. The seemingly innocent girl next door has turned into an obsessive level-5 clinger. You are fearing for your life. Well, not really. But you are extremely creeped out. You’d really like to let her know how much her words have haunted you, but for some reason, you just don’t think she’ll take it well.
8.“Thinking About You” by Radiohead
Back to our little stalker. It’s been almost a week since you’re heard anything from Mr. Perfect and now you’re starting to worry. Have you done something wrong? Or is there someone else? Worry gives way to anger. You poured your heart out to this guy and this is how he repays you? How rude. You cheered him on at the football games. You sent him flowers. You baked him cookies with your face on them. You offered to die for him. What boy doesn’t want that?
9.“Don’t Leave Me Now” by Pink Floyd
Your little fantasy comes crashing down when you see a for sale sign in his front yard. How could he be leaving? Didn’t you two have something special going? You are absolutely crushed now. You need him and he’s breaking your heart. Why does it seem like he’s running away?
10.“Missed Me” by The Dresden Dolls
Before the love of your life abandons you in your fragile state, you decide to give him a piece of your mind. You give him a call or eleven and eventually leave him a lengthy message. You make it clear that he has wronged you and chastise him for playing with the heart of a fragile little girl. After all, you did everything in your power to make this relationship work. Your intentions were good. It’s such a shame he didn’t appreciate any of it. But I’m sure he’ll miss you, deep down. Deep, deep, deep, deep down.
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