Key Track: "Overcome with Light"

As a concerned naturalist, I feel that it is my duty to inform the nature-loving public of an invasive species destroying and homogenizing our diverse folk music habitat.

Recently, Bowerbirds have migrated into our area, and are in the process of outnumbering our more talented native varieties of birds. They have spread out in areas far from their Raleigh, North Carolina, home, due to the release of a new album, The Clearing. And if we don't do something to stop the proliferation of this dangerous beast, it will compromise the harmony of our natural music environment.

Taxonomically, the Bowerbird is classified in the indie phylum, the folk order and the singer-songwriter genus, but is a disgrace to all of these categories. It is of a uniformly dull appearance, nearly interchangeable with a range of lesser folk birds. However, its advantage lies in its paratism, feeding off the accomplishments of more creative birds. This allows it to multiply rapidly, giving rise to thoroughly talentless offspring who suffocate the supply of innovation on which our native species rely for food.

One peculiar habit of the Bowerbird is the fashion in which it builds its nests. Perhaps thinking itself clever, it tries to utilize all of the spare materials of the environment in which it inhabits, spending hours structuring a home out of violins, accordions, organs and even trumpets in addition to the more common nest-forming matter of guitars and drums. When this process is complete, the bird has formed an impressive-looking amalgamation of seemingly unrelated objects.

Yet all of this activity is for nought, for as soon as the Bowerbird nestles into his new abode to sing his song, the structure instantly collapses under him, being too hollow to support his weighty pretentiousness.

The most curious part of this process is that he persistently continues despite its adverse affect on his survival, using different materials each time but always having the same result. If the bird could forget his lofty ambitions for once and build a more humble home proportional to his abilities, perhaps he would have potential to contribute to the environment.

I implore all of you bird watchers not to confuse this rather ugly creature with that critically acclaimed Wisconsin species, Bon Iver. The easiest way to tell between them is in their mating call. The Bon Iver bird's voice embodies a spiritual, pleading tone, such that all of the females in hearing immediately care for whatever he is chirping about, be it "Holocene" or "Calgary."

But unlike the beautiful chant of the Bon Iver bird, the Bowerbird attempts to attract a mate through a particularly bland warble, so recitative and nondescript that even his nature-themed cries can only elicit indifference from the nearby animals.

If the Bowerbirds are not prevented from further colonization, our musical landscape will eventually become derivative and lifeless. So I implore all of you, do not aid this bird in its domineering ways. Learn to distinguish between the competent and incompetent birds of folk. Do not feed this bird's pompous attitude by attending its regular song performances. And do not, by any means, buy The Clearing, as doing so will only favor the defacement of our breathtaking world of music.