Group Feature: Making America Great Again; The Presidential Candidates As Bands

With the election process in full swing and the Ohio primary on our doorstep, it’s pretty safe to say that this race to the presidency has put our writers on the brink of existential crisis. Between the Zodiac Killer, a third-term Bill Clinton, and a few racists, some of us here at ACRN think that our favorite (and least favorite) bands could provide a brighter future for America than some of out potential leaders. If their views on America’s current affairs can’t convince you to get out to the polls this week, maybe our frightening comparisons will.

Sam Tornow, Editorial Director: “Bernie Sanders as Phish”

This past election cycle has been one for the books: Racists, misogynists, dank memes and liars. Everyday something more ridiculous takes over newsstands. Heck, earlier this year nearly 40% of Florida voters wouldn’t deny that Ted Cruz may be the Zodiac Killer. What everyone seems to be combing over though, is Bernie Sanders and his uncanny resemblance to the acclaimed jam band, Phish.

Okay okay, so obviously Bernie isn’t secretly a member of Phish, but if Sander’s were to be manifested as any band out there, it would be these guys. Let’s run through the facts: Both represent Vermont in way or another, both are progressive, they each have legion of cultish fans behind them, they both ramble on from time to time and a they both have left a legacy that people seem to forget about. In fact, Jon Fishman, drummer for the cult-legends, recently performed at a Sanders rally and mentioned how he has been feeling the Bern for quite some time. It’s uncanny, a bit nerdy and honestly makes a little too much sense.

Eli Shively, Reviews Editor: “Ted Cruz as Meghan Trainor”

One is “all about that bass” and the other is all about deporting undocumented immigrants – that’s right, if your brain (and stomach) can handle both of these names in the same sentence, I’m going to explain why Ted Cruz is the Meghan Trainor of the Presidential race. The more one thinks about it, the more obvious the comparisons become: Neither of them have anything spectacular going for them, but they’re nevertheless constantly in the spotlight. Their fans, though numerous, garner weird looks and judgmental thoughts from friends when they bring up their opinions in conversation. Consider, too, that better alternatives to these disgustingly mediocre people exist both in the Republican field as well as contemporary pop music, and yet both Cruz and Trainor stick around, like a booger hanging off the lip of pop culture until it’s eventually eaten by the unavoidable cruelty of the passage of time. The aftermath of their lingering, inexplicable fame can be explained in terms of Cruz’s “Boogergate,” too – yes, the memory is cringe-worthy, but at least it’s all over now.

Devon Hannan, Features Editor: “Hillary Clinton as Whirr”

What do you get when you cross a pathological liar, a low-key homophobe, and a carbon copy of Bill Clinton? That’s right, Hillary Clinton. What do you get when you cross a pathological liar, a low-key homophobe, and a carbon copy of Nothing? You guessed it, Whirr.

On the surface, Whirr seems like a pretty solid shoegaze band. The democratic frontrunner also seems like a pretty solid candidate, one that would advocate for women’s rights and the middle class. However, even after just a tiny bit of research, you find that you’re completely wrong. And just like Hillary and Benghazi, Whirr tried to conceal their mishap over the interwebs by lying. Among other things Hillary has lied about, Whirr’s most infamous lie resonates within their transphobic tweets against the band, G.L.O.S.S., claiming that a trusted friend tweeted the offensive content from their account. Talk about déjà vu, huh Hillary? Whether any of their statements are true (they aren’t), both are incredibly annoying and don’t deserve my support.

Jonathan Fuchs, Copy Editor: “Jeb Bush as Creed”

Ah, America: the land of the free, the home of the brave and the country of the memes. If there wasn’t any proof that the American government is basically just one big meme, than take a gander at this year’s elections, as the biggest candidates now include a greedy Oompa-Loompa, Larry David, your “hip” and “cool” aunt, the Zodiac Killer and Marco Rubio (I couldn’t think of a joke about him, I didn’t care enough). Unfortunately, the biggest meme of them all dropped out a while ago, and that is none other than “the awkward uncle you’ve never had but always wanted,” Jeb Bush.

If there could be any band out there that perfectly matches Jeb Bush’s desperation, it would have to be Creed, the early 90s rock band that made dramatically standing on a field during an apocalypse cool and lame simultaneously. Creed’s awful reputation as the corniest rock band around is comparable to Jeb Bush’s timid attitude at debates (especially when arguing with Donald Trump) and even his own mother’s opinion of his presidency, who said that “we’ve had enough Bushes” in office. They’re both awkward, strange, and worthy of plenty of cringes. Now please clap.

Jane Dickerson, Contributor: “Donald Trump as Nickelback”

Donald Trump is Nickelback. When talked about in conversation, both are often referred to as “the worst.” First of all, both are part of a genre that is often considered unpleasant. Trump is republican and Nickelback is butt-rock country. However, both exemplify the very worst of the category they represent. Nickelback is all of the worst things about country music. It comes to a point that people judge all country music because of their existence, all while not considering quality country, such as Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. Trump does the same thing. Not all republicans are bigots, but he creates a bad name for them as a whole.

Another similarity between the two exemplifies Nickelback concerts and Trump rallies– probably the two lamest events a human could attend. Both also attract the same type of crowd, white men who proudly display confederate flags on their Ford trucks.

Finally, both are something that is only entertaining until it becomes too real. Trump is funny to laugh at until he actually wins the nomination. Nickelback is easy to make fun of until you have to listen to them. The similarities are endless. If there was an “if you like this, you might like this” suggestion category for life, it would list Trump as something you would probably be into if you are into Nickelback and vice versa.

Ellie Moore, Contributor: “Bernie Sanders as The Buttress”

Today in music, it’s tough to find artists that describe the human experience in ways that you haven’t heard before. Similar to this, finding a politician that relates to your needs and experiences can be a needle in a haystack. In a sea of overused beats and career politicians, two people stand out. Rapper, The Buttress and Senator, Bernie Sanders. The Buttress verbalizes life in ways that you didn’t know you wanted to hear until you’ve heard it. Her music makes you think about your own character and realize parts of yourself that you never knew were there. She wants to spread a message that your experience is unique to you, but also shared among many. Like her, Bernie’s speeches make you think about what’s really going on, all while saying that getting upset with the state of America is acceptable and needed. Both have the ability to be the voice of the quiet majority, but are overshadowed by those with more money and privilege. Bernie and The Buttress have worked hard to get where they are and don’t let the words of others slow their momentum.

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