By: Devon Hannan, Editorial Director
His 70s porn ‘stache makes women quiver and cry. The overarching themes contained in his stage rants are so powerful that his fans don’t even care when he storms off. He repeatedly makes himself into a meme. He has single-handedly destroyed the dog filter. AND he can juggle his smartphone, a pair of Warby Parker sunglasses and his overcompensating ego – all while being on acid. That’s right, we are talking about folk music’s Messiah, the only man that will make you want to fuck Siri, Father John Misty.
Now, of course, Father John Misty’s whereabouts never, and should never, go unnoticed. Father John is the reason that music blogs are still in business. Just think about it – without FJM, what would Pitchfork write about? Nothing reads better than “Josh Tillman fan fiction.” Or rather, “We really want you to play our music festival so here’s a high seven for Pure Comedy.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, Pure Comedy is definitely my album of the year. It just reaches a higher level of thinking that isn’t at all boring or self-serving. In fact, it’s selfless – Stunning. Exquisite. A spitting image of human wreckage. Father John Misty is saving the world one falsetto at a time.
Speaking of Father John’s amazing talents. Let’s be honest here – He’s the only reason that Fleet Foxes even made it off the ground. Crack-Up? Give it one listen and you can easily tell that they’re going downhill from here. They can’t live without Josh Tillman. But DANG. “Blue Ridge Mountains? Now THAT’S real music…Wait… What do you mean FJM wasn’t on the self-titled? Who did they have on drums then? Ringo?
Anyway, Father John Misty’s emotions are so complex. He makes me wonder why I’m even in college. Instead of spending $80,000 on a philosophy degree, why not just drop $10 on a tab of acid? Obviously, it works all the same because he’s clearly the biggest philosopher of our generation. Like, YOU ARE SO RIGHT, FATHER JOHN. FUCK THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. (Ya know… Except for SubPop. SubPop is flawless. And definitely not just because they have you signed or anything. That would be unethical bias… It’s ALSO because I really want them to hire me someday. SubPop, please hire me right out of college with next to no field experience. XOXO.)
Personal dreams aside, Father John is an expert at shaking off the haters. Just like his predecessor, Taylor Swift. In an interview with The Guardian, he said, “I get sick pleasure out of reading about how much people hate me.” Which is fitting because a lot of people hate him, but I’m not sure why. I bet it’s the hipsters because they can never reach the level of pretentious dirtbag that Father John has achieved.
All in all, Father John, I just want you to know that I “love” you. Ryan Adams was wrong. You are not a self-important asshole. You are a clean, bleached asshole… I mean, as clean as it can be when you only shower in incense and cum.