By Ceara Kelly, Staff Writer and Maria Lubanovic, Copy Editor
Ceara is behind by an hour because her ass is in Kansas. Her TV is on a five-second delay, so I had to pretend I knew nothing. Don’t you love remote journalism?
We had to start out with the red carpet. Nothing was too horrible, but we had some questions. What the hell is Timothee Chalamet wearing? Designer Louis Vuitton calls it an embroidered bib. Ceara calls it a sparkle harness or a designer baby leash. Ceara also thinks that Lady Gaga’s outfit looked like she had a fitted bedsheet wrapped around her arms.
Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg start the show by saying they are doing a roast and just proceed to say nice things about people. One of our favorites? “Hey Jeff, I wish you were my dad” – Andy Samberg at Jeff Bridges.
Andy Samberg also takes a moment to roast the shit out of America and the CIA and their treatment of THE REAL BLACK PANTHERS who were murdered for seeking racial equality.
“Crazy Rich Asians is the first Asian lead movie since Ghost in the Shell and Aloha” MURDER THEM SANDRA. She then promptly kills every male director ever.
Alright, on to the awards! Unfortunately, we don’t get a lot more from the hosts, which is sad because they were great.
BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Michael Douglas for The Kominksy Method
The Black Panther cast always look immaculate even when they look dead inside after having to say “Wakanda Forever!” for the five thousandth time.
Read the review for Black Panther: https://acrn.com/2018/02/26/movie-review-black-panther/
BEST ANIMATED MOTION PICTURE: Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse
This is the only movie that deserves the award.
BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES DRAMA: Richard Madden in Bodyguard
Ceara asks if this is the sequel to the Whitney Houston movie. I’m really not sure.
BEST TV SERIES DRAMA: The Americans
Thank you, Jim Parsons, for eliminating the dramatic pause.
Journalism gets CASH MONEY thanks to the president of foreign movie council. All we can say is thank you for caring about our work in these trying times.
Only a presenter and yet Gina Rodriguez is still STUNNING!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN TELEVISION: Ben Whishaw A Very English Scandal
This man gives the most British speech I have ever heard in my entire life.
BEST ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES: Patricia Arquette Escape at Dannemora
Patricia Arquette gets bleeped twice I love it. Those are long ass bleeps too.
They gave everyone flu shots. I’ve never seen a crowd of celebrities look more confused. The hosts also tell antivaxxers to put napkins on their heads.
Carol Burnett wins the first ever Life Time Achievement In Television Award named after herself. The montage is so beautiful and wow what a freaking icon she’s done so much for TV like wow.
Carol Burnett thanks the cue card people and I want to cry.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE- MOTION PICTURE: Justin Hurwitz First Man
Read the review here: https://acrn.com/2018/10/22/movie-review-first-man/
BEST ORIGINAL SONG- MOTION PICTURE: Shallow, A Star is Born
While this win is predictable, Dolly Parton still wins in our hearts because she wrote and performed Jolene and allowed that slap of a remix in Dumplin’
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE: Regina King If Beale Street Could Talk
That’s RIGHT Regina King! Make them stop that music and hire women in Hollywood! (Seriously, we want a job after school.)
BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION DRAMA: Sandra Oh Killing Eve
She is the first Asian woman to win multiple golden globes and the first Asian woman to host them. She thanks her parents in Korean and it’s freaking precious.
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE: Mahershala Ali Green Book
While presenting, Maya Rudolph pops the question. Amy Poehler says yes. This is the only thing I care about anymore.
SCREENPLAY- MOTION PICTURE: Green Book
Ceara’s mom is very happy the movie Viggo Mortensen is in is doing so well, but honestly, The Favourite was iconic and deserved this let’s be real. The queen literally has a line where she says “I like when she puts her tongue inside me.” I can only dream of writing things like this.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES: Patricia Clarkson Sharp Objects
BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE- MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Christian Bale Vice
Wins an award for playing Dick Cheney than promptly murder him on live TV. A Power Move.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Roma
If you actually want to know what one of the nominations for this category is like, Roma is currently on Netflix.
BEST ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE: Darren Criss The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story
Damn straight, remember your roots Darren Criss (He referenced A Very Potter Musical tonight…Totally Awesome!)
Jeff Bridges is given this year’s Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement In Film Award. His speech is long and crazy and involves a boat metaphor? You go, dude.
BEST DIRECTOR- MOTION PICTURE: Alfonso Cuarón Roma
Harrison Ford presented this one and my mom freaked out because she loves him.
BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES- MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Rachel Brosnahan The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Let’s be honest, we were really pulling for Kristin Bell but like, the person who really got robbed was D’Arcy Carden for her performance of Janet on The Good Place.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES- MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The Kominsky Method
There’s only one explanation for The Good Place losing both awards. This is The Bad Place.
BEST LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION: The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story
Let’s go gay representation! Tell our stories! Put Ricky Martin in them!
BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE- COMEDY OR MUSICAL: Olivia Colman The Favorite
She calls her co-stars her bitches and I expected nothing less than that from this queen.
BEST MOTION PICTURE- MUSICAL OR COMEDY: Green Book
BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE- DRAMA: Glenn Close The Wife
She didn’t even think she was going to win. Her reaction was priceless.
BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE- DRAMA: Rami Malek Bohemian Rhapsody
Read the review here: https://acrn.com/2018/11/12/movie-review-bohemian-rhapsody/
And finally, the winner for BEST MOTION PICTURE- DRAMA is….
Ugh. Maria lets out the longest sigh of all time, but she doesn’t decide these things. Ceara is just glad we’re not allowing another La La Land year with a mediocre movie like A Star Is Born sweeping.