[Photo courtesy of Charli xcx]

By Grace Koennecke, Managing Editor

Charli xcx is a name most people now know because of her widely successful album, 2024’s Brat. But, most don’t know that the sounds and inspirations on that record have been a part of her discography for quite some time now. With an array of hyperpop, club-inspired albums, such as 2017’s Pop 2 and 2019’s Charli, the British singer-songwriter has one album that trumps all though in terms of being timeless and a rollercoaster ride of emotions and is the subject of this week’s love letter: 2020’s how i’m feeling now.

Made in six weeks during the COVID-19 pandemic, Charli xcx challenged herself to produce a full album alone, in turn asking fans to help her write lyrics, create album and single artwork and provide input on demos on her weekly, and sometimes daily, Instagram livestreams. She also created a documentary, called Alone Together, during this time to document her experience making how i’m feeling now, which everyone should check out if you truly want to understand Charli xcx’s creative process and personality.

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When relistening to this album five years later, there’s still the same emotional weight usually found in all of Charli xcx’s work, making it a nostalgic and cathartic listen. Chronicling her thoughts, feelings and relationships in this album, its place in the singer’s discography foreshadowed what we would later hear on Brat in terms of vulnerability. This time period was also interesting for the singer, as she was leaving a seven year-long relationship, isolating alone and trying to rediscover her sound.

Even if there were some really heavy moments on this album, Charli xcx luckily made a lot of songs centered around escapism, particularly heard on the first few tracks of how i’m feeling now. A key example of this was the opening track, “pink diamond,” which I highly advise not to listen to on full blast if you have a good pair of headphones. 

This song’s erratic bassline and screeching production, almost sounding as if you’re in a basement rave, pulled you into the fantasy Charli xcx created. It may have been chaotic and abrasive, but it showed how much freedom and seduction there is in partying, with the singer wishing she could release the tension of the pandemic on a dance floor or in a packed, sweaty room of strangers.

Other examples of wanting to escape came through with “claws” and “anthems.” “claws” was more of a song about wanting to escape into a lover, so infatuated to the point where it feels unbearable to go without their touch or presence. Being placed at the beginning of the record, this may have been intentional, as towards the end of it we began to see a shift in Charli xcx’s views on her lover, unsure of where her relationship is headed. 

Meanwhile, “anthems” was the ultimate party girl anthem for fans of Brat, and its lyrics read like a journal entry. Charli xcx included lines like, “I’m so bored, woo / Wake up late and eat some cereal / Try my best to be physical / Lose myself in a TV show / Staring out to oblivion / All my friends are invisible / Twenty four-seven, miss ‘em all.” This raw honesty was a direct reflection of the pandemic, with many feeling alone and bored in a state of lockdown.

Beyond just longing to be in a state of normalcy again, Charli xcx also used how i’m feeling now to document her on and off again relationship of seven years. The beginning of the album starts on a strong and promising note, most evident on the seductive lyrics on “claws” and the wistful sentiments on “forever” – “I will always love you (Love you) / I’ll love you forever / Even when we’re not together.” 

The singer continued to explain her complicated relationship to fans on “7 years,” which is all about reflecting on her ups and downs with her partner. It’s also hands-down my favorite song on the album. She sings, “I know that look inside my eyes means always / Even if we fall apart, split two ways / Used to be afraid to say it, that’s so strange / Seven years and it’s been you and I, always,” and these lyrics showed that love always takes effort from both people involved, and that it’s not always pretty, making it quite a vulnerable track on the record. Beyond just the lyricism, this song’s tone was so sentimental and heartfelt that it may be one of Charli xcx’s most transparent and emotional songs yet.

Speaking of songs about complicated relationships, “party 4 u,” a song from this album that has become a fan-favorite overtime, signaled the singer’s relationship may have ended. Placed towards the end of the album, Charli xcx’s iconic autotuned wails about waiting for her partner to show up to the party she threw just for them is the peak of excellence on how i’m feeling now. She cries out, “You could watch me pull up on your body / Like it’s summer, take my clothes off / In the water, splash around and get you blessed by holy water / I don’t know what you were waiting for / You know that I’ve been waiting for you.” Wow, what an addition to a song even five years later.

More incredibly honest and revealing moments are definitely heard on “enemy” and “c2.0,” both songs that tapped into the feelings of self-doubt and missing important people in one’s life during the pandemic. “enemy” is another favorite of mine on this record because Charli xcx was so open about her mental health issues, particularly struggling the most with imposter syndrome and self-hate, both issues that would continue to manifest on Brat. I also think its stripped-down production was a lot more effective for the time period, and it’s a song I’ve always returned to when I’m also experiencing the same feelings of doubt and sadness.

With only 11 songs, how i’m feeling now was an unexpected turn in Charli xcx’s career during the pandemic, but proved she could still create and inspire new songs that would later set the foundation for her future albums. It also is such an incredible album because of how much we got to see inside the singer’s head, and I always admire albums that emote so much in so little run-time. 

Even though I will always be a die-hard fan of Brat, how i’m feeling now is an album that resonates with me even five years later because of its emotional weight and honesty. While I’ll never want to experience another pandemic again, this album made me feel less alone and is one  I find so much joy and comfort in whenever I need to dance, cry, laugh, or in Charli xcx style, party, and I’ll always be grateful that this album made me appreciate her music even more.

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